Not because he's scared of them, but because it breaks his tender little heart when they get Conan's coffee. 

In other words, could someone volunteer to drive a stake through the heart of this vampire craze...

In honor of Halloween, the world's vampires got together to conspire to bring themselves back into the public eye.  This time, they're probably going to really kill us all (if they can ever get their act together).

CollegeHumor shows us that a girl dating a vampire can develop a biting habit of her own.  Unfortunately for Kristen Stewart, the result is a predecessor to self-cannibalism.

Just accept it.  Date a vampire, you must allow the occasional "spider-bite."  Also, don't get attached to your cats.

...and Vampirers, and Opposite Dayers, and Santa Clausers, and so on. Regardless, now that this is over, we want to see Lou Dobbs' birth certificate. Unless he accidentally ate it.

There are a lot of things we feign ignorance of to maintain some sort of imaginary, hipsterish cred. Twilight is not one of those things. We're legitimately in the dark. So your guess is as good as ours.

Attention, all tweens on the net: It's been done before.  It's been done better.  It was considered campy and tongue-in-cheek.  It is not sexy or romantic.  Creeps.

We know absolutely nothing about Twilight other than the general plot, the two main actors, and the psychotic reaction it elicits from young girls and/or older female nerds. Apparently this guy was in it, and it changed his...

Fangirls sigh about how Edward had to wait (and wait and wait) until he could entwine his body with Bella's in (hold on, we have to look this up) "a never-ending dance of ecstacy." They misunderstood: Edward just couldn't...

Girls eager to throw themselves at the feet of Robert "Edward Cullen" Pattinson might want to reconsider after rumors that the Twilight star has been neglecting his basic hygene. Employees on the set of New Moon are...

Stephenie Meyer's Twilight works really well as a three-minute music video for a Top 40 pop song, which is pretty telling of the book's content.

When the inexplicably-loved vampire Edward Cullen first caught scent of the woman destined to be his girlfriend, he seemed very irate with her. Vampires are supposed to be as dry as a summer riverbed...minus one fluid that's...

It might be going for the obvious joke to say that the puppets in this Twilight parody are more expressive than the original actors, but we're being serious here. The puppets put on a far better show and they're still capable...

On the latest Hate by Numbers, Gladstone sums up the appeal of the new, ridiculous vampire movie Twilight pretty concisely at the 2:25 mark. Honestly, we don't have much to add... other than the idea of looping 70s prog rock...

Naturally, we're all about Halloween today. And we want to make sure you're safe. Follow these easy-to-use tips, and those blood-sucking vampires will go suck on your neighbor's neck. After the sun sets, though, go directly...