Half-witted taste-makers have labeled Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama as "elitist." It's an attack the McCain camp has seconded.  The side effect of this label, however, is that it shows us just how far African-...

Phew!  What a close call!  Hurricane Isaac almost slammed into Texas, but in a fortunate change of events, the storm actually hit a large, beige-ish area south of Texas.  It's a relief that our country will not have to deal...

Nothing says California quite like the annual wildfires.  Californians celebrated the 2008 season by setting their own homes on fire, and competing with their neighbors to see whose house would go up the quickest.  With such...

Necktie Asians living above frozen yogurt shops are suddenly not the deciding demographic for the '08 election. New data from polls suggests that a slew of new groups will have a significant affect on the election, including...

Just in time for the Olympics, a terrifying epidemic is breaking out across China.  Where some experts suspect avian flu, the Chinese government has diagnosed it differently: "Olympic Fever"!  Symptoms include sores,...

This amazing new technology will enable the Pentagon to avoid attacks from the press and assorted public relations landmines, keeping human military assets safe from actual criticism.  Experts speculate that this will be the...

As the Chinese get ready for the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, the panelists on the Onion News Network's "In The Know" question the true intentions of their preparations.  In case you haven't heard the news, the Chinese...

The current state of office politics is bleak, but that doesn't mean that younger workers shouldn't care at all about what goes on outside their cubicles.  These young people could effect a change in who makes a new pot of...

The study found that visual appeal has little to do with how popular products were.  In fact, making a pizza that looks like a gory combination of dog food and human intestines actually increased consumption considerably. ...

At first it was cute, and now it's become downright tortuous.  This dog, originally bought as a birthday present, has been barking continuously for 6 years, with no sign of stopping.  Geneticists have considered studying the...

We always see candidates back-pedaling and trying to look as benign and acceptable as possible.  What these candidates don't understand, however, is that there is a large percentage of voters who have dubbed themselves "no...

Wasn't "The War on Drugs" sufficient?  Apparently that's not "urgent" enough for Congress, who have launched a new (and as yet nameless) anti-drug campaign.  No one seems to be able to put their finger on what the program...

For decades India and Pakistan have been on the verge of total nuclear war, and today the Onion News Network brings us this startling update.  It seems that after so long in a nuclear standoff, the two countries still remain...

Entertainment conservation is one of the biggest movements in the world right now, and the current focus is on teeny-bopper Hannah Montana (aka Miley Cyrus).  The problem here is that this young star will probably be dried up...

Don't worry if campaign '08 has been passing you by.  There are ways you can compensate and even overcompensate for not having a damn clue about what's going on in politics today.  Today Now! explores some ways you can save...