By inviting reticent hipster beardy McDouche Joaquin Phoenix into his house.

That's not true, this kid is much more likable. And coherent.

Not as likable as Ted Williams frozen head in a tunafish can, but you know... Let's...

Quoth Mr. Letterman:

"Joaquin, I’m sorry you couldn’t be here tonight...We owe an apology to Farrah Fawcett."

Joaquin Phoenix is a man of hirsute mystery. Is he:

(A) "On dope" as Mr. Hand puts it?

(B) Losing his marbles?

(C) Doing some unctuous Andy Kaufman-wannabe skit?

(D) Just a heavily bearded white rapper trying to get by in a...