If you don't get a warm feathery fuzzy watching Jimmy Kimmel interviewing Big Bird about life on Sesame Street, then...

We don't want to believe people like that exist. They're phantoms, like Mr. Snuffleupagus. 

He doesn't...

Bobbing up and down in a thick fog during long hours at sea...

Who needs the government to make it official?

Time to make some chowdah. Mmmm...creamy. 

Bad Karma. 

Damn Phillie Phanatic. You never should have swindled the money of your fellow mascots in a Ponzi scheme. 

Have you and your furry green body no shame?

Up in Maine (aka America's freak show), the pro-gay marriage vote was dropped into a boiling post off water, screamed to be set free, died, then was dipped in butter and served up for the sanctity of the asshats who scared...

Gore & Colbert vs. Gore & Colbert...Who ya got?

In one corner, we have former vice president Al Gore, author of Our Choice, a book explaining why the rate of global warming means Colbert may soon need gills. 

In the other...

"If only this were real!" - Michael Caruso

We couldn't have said it any better, boss.

"When life hands you lemons, mix them with your vodka and make them into a truth serum."

...and don't turn down a hot chick just because she's Republican.