If you don't get a warm feathery fuzzy watching Jimmy Kimmel interviewing Big Bird about life on Sesame Street, then...

We don't want to believe people like that exist. They're phantoms, like Mr. Snuffleupagus. 

He doesn't...

Bobbing up and down in a thick fog during long hours at sea...

Who needs the government to make it official?

Time to make some chowdah. Mmmm...creamy. 

Bad Karma. 

Damn Phillie Phanatic. You never should have swindled the money of your fellow mascots in a Ponzi scheme. 

Have you and your furry green body no shame?

Up in Maine (aka America's freak show), the pro-gay marriage vote was dropped into a boiling post off water, screamed to be set free, died, then was dipped in butter and served up for the sanctity of the asshats who scared...

Gore & Colbert vs. Gore & Colbert...Who ya got?

In one corner, we have former vice president Al Gore, author of Our Choice, a book explaining why the rate of global warming means Colbert may soon need gills. 

In the other...

What becomes a jack-o-lantern? When the last flicker of a candle burns out and the insides start to get mealy and smell like a dying squirrel? 

They're kicked to the curb, smashed in the street, and left to rot. Their...

The men are adept at watering things with their hoses and the women tend to be able to bend themselves into awkward hard-to-reach positions.

Anybody need a gardener or a tunnel sweeper?

How about a new game show, Humping for...

Newly minted New York City superstar Meb Keflezighi brushed off those who say he isn't truly "one of us" (and neither are we, haters) to make a pit stop at Dave's house. He delivers the "Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through Your...

Mebrahton "Meb" Keflezighi has lived in the United States since he as 12, been a citizen since 1998, and Sunday, became the first American to win the New York City marathon since 1992. 

Naturally, native running fans, and...

There's only one way to settle this, on the field. And by field, of course, we mean a urine-filled parking lot thick with homophobic cracks, drunken wrestling, tramp stamps, x-rated language, and enough beer to drown the I-95...

Not because of ghosts, goblins, devils and flaming bags of dog doo, but because masks cause swine flu, candy literally turns kids into monsters, dogs like to hump and Colbert turns into the scary demon SOUPFACE!!!

These are...

By explaining it doesn't really present "the news."

Of course, the liberal media is spinning that into how Barack Obama is winning the WAR AGAINST FOX NEWS!

Don't tread on Glenn Beck, though. He's a freedom fighter. This...